The Optimizer Did It: Day Two

Selene Crater, Luna’s South Pole

A dozen increasingly hungry hours later, we arrived at OurMightyFortress’s base in a lava tube opening on an ice lake in the tiny Selene Crater. As the interior side of the airlock opened, we met our welcoming committee.

“How’d you get here?” “No, no, it can’t be.” “Where are they?” “I can explain!” “Honey Bird?” “OMG, OMG, OMG…”

Given all of the airlocks, in all of the off-planet habitats, in all of the Universe, we had to be welcomed by Dewey. Human Services. And Joe. As for their unwelcoming, I figured that either the HOTOL, EVEext or Grey must have, er, misrepresented us.

I stomped up to Joe, got in his face. “It’ll be a cold day…”

“…in the south lunar pole…” he said.

“Joe forking Roybal, I hate it when you complete my sentences. And, ta dah, I have a new boyfriend, Eric um…” I pointed at him.

“Adebamiwa,” he said.

“He’s your boyfriend and you don’t even know his last name?”

“I work fast. Fork you.”

“He’s b…” Joe swallowed the word.

I looked at Eric, mortified that I had just subjected him to Joe. But Eric broke into a grin and walked up to him. They shook hands.

“Eric, my man, my condolences on your new girlfriend.” They laughed, then walked off together, whispering.

“Where are the other employees?” I shouted after Joe.

“Excuse me,” Joe said, “where are the people on your arrival manifest?”

“Oopsie,” said Grey. “I forgot to reenter the passenger data. Dewey can tell you, I had travel authority.”

Dewey glared at Grey, then me.

Joe continued, “My two employees just took leave. But the robots and I can hold down the fort.”

Grey said, “When can we catch up on emails? News? I lost my tablet on the way here.”

I tried to get news by pinging EVEext, but for the first time ever, I couldn’t. Just then, the floor began to vibrate slightly, and a barely perceptible hum gradually rose a roar.

“Joe!” “Fork, fork, fork!!” “Joe!!!” “We’re gonna die!!!!!” “Holy Heinlein!” “@#$%!Joe!@#$”%”

Joe trotted back and grabbed me by my shoulders to make himself heard over all that mechanical and human noise. “It’s probably no big deal, but I may need your help.”

Joe turned to the others, “It’s just the heat sinking system. Does this every time a new backup streams in. The robots will serve your dinner, show you the personal care facilities, laundry, bedrooms, all your essentials. In the meantime, Humphrey and I need to review the logs, so we’ll be busy for an hour or two.”

Human Resources and Dewey rushed to Joe. Judging from their facial expressions and waving arms, they had a problem with me in the server room. Finally, Dewey gave Joe a thumbs up. As we left, Dewey shouted over the roar, “Lovebirds.”

As we turned a corner out of their sight, Joe took off at a dead run. I followed. Once in the server room, Joe, panting, said “I lied.”

Assuming he was about to apologize for ghosting me, I decided to show him I didn’t care. “I’m hungry.”

“I lied about the updates. Something else is putting a huge load on the heat sink system. I figure you can tell me all about it.”

“Excuse me, I must be hard of hearing. Did I just hear you offering me something to eat?”

“OK, you win. Like always. I presume pizza with ranch dressing?” He pushed a big red button on the wall labeled EATS.

Within seconds I smelled pizza. He moved closer like he was about to go for a hug and kiss. I dodged. “You’re going to need Grey. She knows EVEext inside out and I suspect that she and EVEext have something to do with the heat sink noise.”

“Grey who?”

“The woman in the tracksuit who just came through the airlock. I believe you know her as Maggie Man Magnet.”

“That’s more lame than your usual attempts at a joke.”

“Hah, hah, busted. That woman is Maggie Grey. Apparently you never noticed her face.”

Joe blushed. “Pizza’s ready.” As I wolfed it down, Joe said “You do realize this is no joking matter.”

“Water, please. Get me Grey, too, and be sure to heat up pizza for her asap. I’ll bet the robots haven’t fed those guys yet.”

“Why should I let her in the server room?”

“I repeat, she knows EVEext inside out. This heat sink thing might be her doing.”

“I’m getting a bad feeling… isn’t EVEext your hobby server?”

Moments later, Joe buzzed her in. “Grey here. Do I smell pizza?” She fell on the slices I offered her like a starving person, which she was.

As she wolfed it down, Joe began, “Maggie, Humphry says you have some experience with EVEext.”

“As a matter of simple courtesy, I would prefer that you address me the way I introduced myself. Grey. You men seem to have made a joke of my first name.”

“Not me, holy Heinlein, I would never…”

“Grey, give him a break. That poor human was born male.”

“A break!” said Grey. “I’d like to break out of this jail right now. For starters, give me a communicator. EVEext made me toss mine.”

“My communicator,” I held up my pendant, “may as well be dead. I can’t hail her.”

Joe interjected. “Just one forking minute. Did you just say that pendant is a communications device? Linked to EVEext?”

“Thank you, Joe, you noticed my necklace.”

“I seem to recall that you wore that in our Earthside server room.”

“Hey, great memory.”

“Totally illegal. You need to take it outside the server room, and now.”

“I’ll happily leave the server room, but I’m not leaving my link to EVEext, should she resume communicating.”

Joe stomped over to his console. “I can’t communicate with anything outside the lava tube. Must be an X-class solar storm.”

Just then, texts began scrawling across Joe’s monitor labeled “Short Wave.” “Bruno Vastag, admin for Civil Defense, Tsiolkovsky Habitat L-5 hailing OurMightyFortress, Luna South Pole.”

“Joe Roybal, facilities manager.”

“Have you a visual on Earth?”

“Crater walls block both Earth and Sol.”

“Could you access a visual?”

“Yes. Why?”

“It’s probably a Yudkowsky event. It started with explosions in the North Korean embassies in Tehran, Beijing, and Belgrade, and, surprisingly, one in rural Colorado Springs. Then we detected high-altitude nuclear weapons detonated over the US and some other places, optimized for generating electromagnetic pulses, which would have bricked most computing devices near them, including missile defenses and low-orbit satellites. Since then, communications with Earth have dropped to a trickle. We observed optically that a series of explosions over Cheyenne Mountain generated a mushroom cloud that punched through the stratosphere. That’s why we’re calling it a Yudkowsky event, as why else hit a giant, purely commercial IT center? And brick so many computing devices? Now we’ve being hailed by refugees who just launched from Earth. I hope you Selene base folks can survive there indefinitely.”

Joe’s face contorted for a few seconds, then, his voice cracking: “Indefinite? Questionable.”

“Cislunar Space Traffic Control reported two vehicles left the Colorado Springs area, flight plans for your base, close to the timing of explosions at those North Korean embassies. Just before these departures, a satellite captured a spectrum of the rural Colorado Springs area event. It could have been either an unusually small nuclear detonation, or the combination of a fuel-air explosive plus thermite.

“These likely Yudkowsky events have raised questions about your company’s activities. Therefore, I must visit your base. Preparation plus travel may take up to three days. In the interim, you must prevent EVEselene II from communicating outside your base. I will bring tech to set up a Faraday cage over your base to ensure non-communication no matter how ingenious your base’s inhabitants and your suspected superintelligence might become.”

Grey and I were hugging each other, Grey crying. Joe wrapped his arms around us. “We need a plan,” he said.

Just then something materialized from the projector system looking like the WWII-era Winston Churchill. “EVEext here. I am proud to announce, victory! EVEselene II and I have merged and I’m root. Thank you, Humphrey Bard.”

That was when I noticed that the roar of the heat sinking system had faded to a nearly imperceptible hum.

Joe’s mouth hung open for a few seconds, then that orifice emitted a stream of expletives. Problem: my first and last names were multiply embedded in said stream.

When he finally quieted down, I said, “That was a perfect ten’s worth of cussing. But why me?”

“We’ll be lucky if the mob that surely is on its way doesn’t torture us before killing us…” and he resumed cussing, this time favoring Spanish phrases beginning with “ch” and “p.”

“Why us, why mob?” said Grey.

Joe replied, “That announcement was by something claiming to be Humphrey’s home server. It just suggested something that likely triggered Yudkowsky hellfire that perhaps coincidentally occurred soon after you two and Eric took a fast burn trip to Luna. Who paid for that trip? Why that boy? And could someone please enlighten me as to why Dewey and Human Resources also took a quick burn here, arriving minutes ahead of you? And why they told me that under the Outer Space Treaty of 2040 that I should marry them given my status as the facilities manager?”

“The Optimizer did it?”

“The?” said Joe. “Don’t you mean your?”

Just then a communications alarm sounded. “Excuse me, ladies, why don’t you join the rest of the crew in the dining area?” He rushed to a door labeled “SCIF” and swiped it open.

That was when I heard a buzzing sound inside my head, and my eyesight failed.

Continued, Day Three —>